A Whole New Life

I'm not quite sure what led me to this blog out of the blue last night-possibly just boredom-but lead me here, it did.  After reading the very few entries I have, I've decided I would like to try and defibrillate the crap out of it (or into it? Either way.)  And yes, I know that isn't really a word, but I'm the grammar nazi here, and I can use whatever lingo I so choose.

So, where have you been? you may ask. Or maybe you don't care, in which case--ouch, that really hurt me.  Deeply.

Things have changed here, drastically in fact.  Let me catch you up:

We moved to a nice big house close to the school Montana has finished a few grades and will soon be in the graduating class at her elementary Tristan is in high school now and is bigger than I am Montana and I were in a music video I made some new friends I lost some old friends I've decided to go back to school I am into organic foods in an effort to avoid GMO or genetically modified organisms (yuck!) and am considering starting a garden in the back yard I have lost about 30 pounds in the last year thanks in part to Body By Vi Montana is becoming a stereotypical tween full of spit and vinegar (watch for that in the next entry) and *deep breath* I have a new baby *exhale.*  Technically he isn't all that "new" at this point, he is going to be a year old very soon.  I call him "Nemo," he is curiosity and stubbornness all packed into a Mini Me baby body.

So, I have new adventures to write about, some of which are amusing, some of which are, well, not amusing, at least to me.

Here is a recent picture of my new family!

Quarter to Stupidity

I know I haven't written anything in months, but I just haven't found anything funny lately. Life has been stressful, which is of course written in my original blog.

However, I had quite the incident a couple days ago, and am still now shaking my head thinking about it. I may have mentioned that I am trying to sort out my biology so that I can get pregnant, and this included some blood tests and an ultrasound to see my insides. The ultrasound appointment was this past Monday....

My appointment was at 11:00 a.m., which meant I couldn't work that day, and could sleep in a bit longer in the morning. Mom was going to take the kids to school. I spent much of the sleeping in dreaming about being late; I could envision myself looking at the time and panicking.

So imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes to see that it was 10:40! It was my nightmare, come true. I was supposed to be at the hospital by 10:30 to register, and I still had to get there!

I hopped out of bed, threw on whatever clothes were in front of me, grabbed the animals and tossed them in their room, skipped the bathroom because I hadn't been awake to drink the millions of liters they asked of me, and called a taxi.

I was absolutely frazzled. I was worried sick they would reschedule me, and would have called them to explain but I didn't want to take the extra time finding the number. I tried not to fret, got everything ready, and went to get my coat.

I noticed Montana's coat lying on the floor, and started to worry: What is she wearing to school? It is snowing outside, and extremely cold. Once I got my coat on, I realized not only was her coat there, but her backpack was also, along with Tristan's bag and coat.

By this point I was freaking right out! We have a tendency to sleep in on Mondays (oops!) so I ran into Mom's bedroom to wake her. I found her laying in bed, reading her book! I thought maybe she decided to take a snow day, even though it is unlike her, especially not to tell me--but I don't always remember her trying to wake me in the morning, so it was possible she'd tried.

"Aren't you guys going??" I asked incredulously. She looked at me and asked "Going where?" I was right confused at this point. How could she not know where?? "To work and school?!" I said, as if she were stupid.

I remember the morning flashing before my eyes as though I was having a start-of-the-week near-death experience, and realizing with marked embarrassment and understanding at the exact moment her mouth opened to say, "It isn't a school day." DON'T SAY IT!! "It's.." COVER MY EARS! "...Sunday."

I felt this instant combination of relief, humiliation, and amusement. It was Sunday, not Monday! I didn't miss my appointment at all! And then--oh no, a new realization: A taxi was on its way to collect me. I quickly rushed to the phone and canceled my ride, luckily before the driver arrived!

I spent the rest of the day marveling at my mistake, one I had never made before. At the end of the day though, (fitting adage) I was just immensely relieved that I didn't miss my ultrasound.

The next day I wasn't only not late, I was early!

Fall down go BOOM!

"No good deed goes unpunished." Truer words have never been spoken, as I learned this past Saturday afternoon. It wasn't so much a "good deed" though, as it was a "gay old concert bonanza."

If you have read my previous blogs then you know I am a gigantic Marianas Trench fan. I am beyond obsessed with frontman Josh Ramsay. I want to marry him and keep him in a cage forever, not that I'm psycho or anything.

So when I heard that they were putting on a free show along with a few other artists to celebrate the grand opening of a new store, I was like "Oh em gee I am SO thurr."

Montana and I got there a few minutes before the band started, so we decided to have some dinner at Subway which was five steps away from the fangirl-cage entrance. We scarfed down our sandwiches, and had to rush back into the cage because they were being announced on the stage. In my I-need-Josh-like-a-penguin-needs-propellers haze I forgot there was a curb, and down I went. "Noooo!" I screamed. "Save me!" My life flashed before my eyes, this was the end for sure.

Montana flew to my side and held my hand to comfort me in my time of need, such a sweet girl. I was in such pain, and so embarrassed, what a twerp! Luckily my cutie petutie and his mad vocal skillz attract teh teenz lollllz and they don't notice anything beyond their bubble, so I'm fairly certain no one but my attentive daughter saw me fall like a drunkard.

I managed to get up, limp my way to the best spot to view the screen, and took some Ibuprofin. I barely acknowledged the pain once the band hit the stage, and they rocked my world once again with their talent and wit.

Yesterday and today, however, I am dying. I have been packing like a maniac because we are moving (in 11 days!!!) so I am sore all over. My foot is better, just achy, but my back is killing me and I think my butt bone is bruised. Not much fun when my days are filled with filing, getting up and down from my desk chair, carrying packed up boxes to the garage, and doing my plies in my ballet room. Okay, maybe not all of those are part of my routine, but whatever. I hurt.

I Have Enough Brothers, Thank You

This is a rant. Rant rant rant RAAAAAAAAAAANT!

I love my mom. I love my daughter. I love my friends. But I do NOT love Big Brother. Not one tiny little bit! If it were up to me, the show would be canceled. Normally I would not be that evil, because if someone I know likes a show, I wouldn't wish it canceled, but Big Brother is a whole different story. It takes over everything!

This season my mom got the live feed. I don't see her unless she needs to eat! She hides in her room like a bear in a cave, which isn't a bad thing on its own, but then she feels the need to share it with me.

I probably hate Big Brother more than anyone in this country, world even. So why is it that I know Ragan is a whiny bitch who threatens innocent kids in Africa, or that Brendon and Rachel had a showmance? I know the entire cast, which person has watched past seasons and which one applied every year. I know who cheats, and who opened Pandora's box.

Do I want this knowledge? No. Have I voiced this? YES. Do people listen? NO! Day in and day out, I am force fed Big Brother information to the point where I want to scream.

What is it about this show that gets everyone so obsessed? I don't have people constantly telling me what happened on CSI or Young and the Restless. But apparently I wear a sign that says "Please tell me absolutely EVERYTHING that you know about Big Brother!" This sign is invisible, which is why I cannot destroy it.

Every day I hear "I know you don't want to hear this, but.." and I roll my eyes. Does anyone care? Evidently not.

I am thrilled that you have a show that so completely enthralls you, that's fantastic. But I don't go around telling you about the ins and outs of lolcats! So please, find another Big Brother fan, and discuss to your heart's content. Shouldn't be hard to find one!

Thank you, I feel better.

TV Stereotypes

I am a sitcom expert. Yes I am, I am! I watch a lot of television, whether it be comedies, dramas, or reality shows. During my research (Hey if I call it that I'm not technically a couch potato, right?) I have noticed a few oddities. I have often wondered if these oddities are stereotypes based on real characteristics that I don't experience, possibly because they are based on Americans, or if a popular show included them and others followed suit. Either way, I find the stories less believable. Here are just a couple things I have noticed:

1. People wear shoes in the house.
2. Kids are always bratty for babysitters.
3. People are always visiting.
4. Everyone drinks bottled water.
5. No one is single for an extended period of time.
6. Childhood friends are addressed by full names.
   

1. People wear shoes in the house.

This is a big one for me. Everyone on T.V. wears their shoes in the house, even into the bedroom. I don't understand it--my shoes come off when I walk in the door, because I like to be comfortable at home, and so I don't track dirty everywhere. Do people really wear their shoes all day and slip out of them at bedtime? This gives the shows that studio feeling and takes away from the realness it could have. I also notice that people are dressed to the nines no matter the time or plan for the day. When I get home, off come the work/out-of-the-house clothes and on go the jammies.

2. Kids are always bratty for babysitters.

What is going on with television children?! Granted, I don't hire many babysitters, but even so, my child would never disrespect someone who is watching her. Not even me, unless of course we're roughhousing. Yet the offspring we see in our favorite programs are hellions, regardless of age or parentage. They kick, they punch, they spit, they destroy the house, and, as I saw tonight which inspired this blog, they pour juice into their babysitters' purses. I realize this adds to the plot and makes it more interesting, but surely not all children are little devils?

3. People are always visiting.

From the never-empty apartment in Seinfeld to the successful coffee shop in Friends, people on television are always socializing. Maybe it is because I don't live and work in New York, but I can't afford the daily trips to Tim Hortons or the transit buses to friends houses. Why does Phoebe Buffay need to drop in at the Geller-Green (and later the Geller-Bing) residence to update her friends when she could pick up a phone? Does Elaine really have to pop in to see Jerry every day? Sometimes she stayed for a mere five minutes before traveling across town to her own apartment. Of course there wouldn't be much of a show if everyone stayed home, but at least the writers of Will & Grace had the sense to have the main characters share an apartment!

4. Everyone drinks bottled water.

This one is self explanatory. There is no shortage of plastic in T.V. fridges. Does no one use Brita? Much better for the environment fake people!

5. No one is single for an extended period of time.

How is it that television characters can find singles on each episode? People are either meeting, dating, or breaking up. Each week there is a new prospect. Maybe I need to move to Hollywood to find a man!

6. Childhood friends are addressed by full names.

This one occurs in books as well as on screen. I don't quite understand the need to use both the first and last name when talking about a school friend. I never did this as a child, and still don't. Unless I know more than one "Sally" and my conversational partner needs to distinguish exactly which one I mean, I won't be giving out my friends' personal information.

I hope no one takes this as a serious pet peeve or complaint, I just needed to get it off my chest as I seem to be the only one who pays so much attention!

Viva la television!

On the Brink of a Teenage Seizure

Okay, so when I was a teenager I had a zillion crushes. I am known to some friends as the girl who was always obsessing over some guy(s), totally boy crazy. I graduated ten years ago, and for the most part, I grew up.

Over the last year or two I have started crushing again. I have two major crushes going right now: Zac Efron (don't judge me!) and Josh Ramsay. The latter is lead singer to Marianas Trench, a Canadian band. I first fell for him when I saw him on Video on Trial, a Much Music show about celebrities (usually comedians but occasionally singers) who critique music videos. It is quite funny, and Josh tore apart his own video. I loved his sense of humor, which is evident in all his videos, and he is a little cutie.

In February the band performed near me during the winter Olympics, and I just about died! He was all

and I was all

He let all the girls in the front touch his sexai bodeh, and I think I sweated jealous juice. I tried to send hate vibes so they would all die, but as far as I know it didn't work. Biznitches.

So anyway, he is--er.. I mean "they are" playing here again tomorrow, and I don't think I can contain myself! Montana has been viciously ill, so I'm praying to the pity gods that she will be well enough to go.

20 hours from now I will be a puddle of vibrating teenage fantasies and he'll be all

Good times.

Montana's Pity Party

I was sitting in Subway yesterday with my pre-tween, and she starts talking about her birthday wish list. It went something like:

Montana: "I know what I want for my birthday but you probably won't get it for me.." (gratuitous school girl huff and sigh.)

Me: "....what..?"

Mo: "A new T.V. for my room."

Oh yes, we have had this discussion before.

Me: "You're right, I won't." (Brace for hissy fit.)

Mo: "It's not fair. Tristan has one!"

Right, gotta throw that in there.

Me: "You do not need a T.V. in your room; we have one in the living room, and there is one in my room. Besides, your room is too small."

Mo: "Yeah, that's another thing: You always get the big room and I get the tiny room."

Seriously? Sigh..

Me: "Yes, because I am the adult, I am bigger, I have a bigger bed, shelves, T.V., entertainment center, dog, you."

Since birth, my darling daughter has spent most of her nights in my bed. When we moved into this house, it started to wane. She would sleep in her bed during the week, and as a treat I started letting her sleep in my bed on the weekends so she could watch T.V. before bed. It was nice, having the bed to myself! (Well, at least during the week.) However, for the past month or so, Montana has been having nightmares, or can't sleep, or whatever it takes to get in my bed. Almost nine and she still wants to sleep beside me.

Me: "I can just see it: You would have the biggest room, and you would still be in my bed."

Sorry, kiddo, you are stuck in the child-sized room with no television. Cue Mini Me pout and harumph.

Ah the joys of parenting a prepubescent girl.